Sunday | 23 JUN 2024
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Date: 2023-06-05
Tags:  movies

A really bad movie by M Night Shymalan. It starts with and ends with the clunkiest possible dialogue. We get the main cast of a set parents and their daughter and son, the ideal family really, talking about being in the moment and enjoying things. The daughter is singing and the mother says that she hopes to hear her voice when she is older. Like wtf who says something like that. Had I not watched then trailer I would have still thought it was stupid. I did watch the trailer and so I knew exactly what they were hinting at with that statement.

Anyway the family gets of the bus and get to their resort where the manager meets them directly which I thought was strange, doesn't he have better things to do? The adults get some drinks specially made for them and the kids go to the drinks section and meet the nephew of the manager. This kid will be the most imporant person because he becomes best friends with the son and gives him a note that will blow everything wide open.

The parents are going through a medical crisis and a divorce so these kids are having a really hard time. The parents think the kids don't know but damn do they know. They are brain dead because they are yelling behind a closed door and the kids can obviously hear them.

Next up is a mysterious adventure to a wicked hidden beach that the manager tells them about. They get there and realize that they can't leave the beach. They immediately find a dead body and try to leave but they can't. The kids suddenly start getting taller and older and its easily noticeable on them. There is a crazy moment where the mom tells the doctor she is a mueseum curater and that she isn't crazy and that he needs to look at her kids. It was hilarious. The psychologist lady is also frikken hilarious.

Mid Sized Sedan is also fucking killing me. The racist doctor and his trophy wife are also funny. Goddamn the entire cast is complete ass but oh so funny. Jarin introduces himself as a nurse constantly. Anyway, they realize they are all aging and that this beach must be causing it. They figure out that its something to do with the rocks and that 30mins is 1 year and so they only will live this one night for most of them.

The freaks everyone out and they all have seperate adventures. Specicially the oyoungest kids bang and have a baby that immediately dies. The trophy wife has boneitis and has probably the best death. Jarin is a professional olympic swimmer who does not swim out and asks if anyone knows how to swim. The psycholgists first reaction to the baby dying was that we all need to get in a circle and talk about what just happened. The baby burial scene was intense you could hear the bones rattling.

All in all it was so hilarious. The night arrives with everyone except our nuclear family dead. The nuclear parents make up and everything is good and they die. The father had it bad, he was going blind and that was personally quite terrifying. Without my glasses I'm a goner so I related to him quite a bit. The son finds the note from Idlib and cracks the code that his uncle doesn't like the coral. That was a hilarious message and what the fuck does that mean. Oh there is some coral around the beach and the son and daughter figure they might as well try to get there. They swim and then we realize that M Night was watching them this entire time.

He watches for 90 seconds and decides they have died and so he goes back to the shop.

We finally get an explanation of what was going on. Warren and Warren, a knock off Johnson and Johnson, are running lifetime clinical studies for various drugs in this magical place. They can speed run drugs and then figure out what they need to run through trials. They have use 73 groups already and have saved thousands of lives so they see it as worth it.

Too bad the kids get back to the resort as 50 year olds where they meet the cop buddy from before and they blow everything open.

Fucking dumpster fire of a movie but it was funny. This was painful to watch because the dialogue was so bad. If we got just a slightly better dialogue I think this might be a fun watch in the way the sand was. It was just painful, but it is funny looking back on it.

Prisca - MomGuy - DadTrent - SonMaddon - Daughter

Jarin - NursePsychologist

Mid Sized Sedan - RapperDead Girl

DoctorDoctor's Trophy WifeDoctor's MomTrophy Wife's daughter

M Night - Needs to do his job betterIdlib - The kidManager - GingerAssistant Lady - Serving the drinks

There was a very creepy moment where the trophy wife tells her 3 year old daughter to sit up or she won't be pretty for boys. Fuck. The same 3 year old also ages up like 15 and says that she is sad she won't get experience prom. Which to be fair makes sense that she was talking about how they are aging so quickly but why didn't she mention marriage instead. Was her mom really hyping up prom.